What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate...

Compassion=Concern for Others' Suffering
Empathy=Feel What the Other Person is Experiencing
Assertive Communication=Speaking Your Truth​
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Through compassion, empathy, and assertive communication, you can cultivate loving-kindness. 

What is loving-kindness? You may have heard of Metta Meditations.  Metta is Sanskrit for "loving-kindness".  Loving-Kindness is friendliness, amity, and good-will. It is an active interest in others.

Compassion for others infuses assertive communication with warmth and caring while empathy helps to understand an individual’s inner workings.  These skills lead to interacting with loving-kindness regardless of your personal suffering and leads to wishing the other person wellness.  This amazing combination (compassion, empathy and assertive communication) dissipates the feelings of ill-will that our brain can and does create. 

​​Which leads me to my husband.  He is a fixer. A fixer of fixers. The Chief Fixer. A man who thinks he can fix any thing, any one, and any situation.   And this is why I married him...I don't mean because he can fix my car or the heat pump or just about anything mechanical.  I mean he is helper.  He has this ginormous heart and goes out of his way to FIX all the wrongs of the world.  He spends hours helping a local school (because the dads don't volunteer-we don't have any kids).  He spends weekends rehabbing old cemeteries (the families have forgotten them-we don't know anyone buried in them).  He just is a nice guy who wants to take care of everyone.

He is the guy who will give you the shirt off his back-literally!!

So...sometimes people manipulate that kindness.  They know if they fain distress, he will come to the rescue, take over and fix everything.  Those people don't have to be accountable for their own behavior...because they are users. We all know the type!

Then...

I get frustrated with the hubs because he takes on stress and responsibilities that are not his to take on.  The very trait I love him for, pisses me off. 

​...which leads us to arguments.  We have all been there, right?  

Here's what I try to do...it's hard and I don't always succeed but you might find these steps helpful for cultivating loving-kindness and communicating in a more healthy and helpful way:

1.  Check in. For example:

• It seems like what bothered you was ___________?
• Sounds like you're feeling _________, is that right?

2.  Develop a personal code to “listen more, talk less” 
3. Become aware of triggers for ill-will. Don't focus on potential harm to yourself or your family and don't exaggerate the events occurring. 

These steps enable me to communicate more openly, be less reactive, and be more supportive of my husband and his really big heart.
 
How is this a yoga practice?  Glad you asked!

In the Yoga Sutras, the first two limbs of the Eightfold Path are the yama-s and niyama-s. Each contains 5 principles (10 in total) to follow on your path to enlightenment. Three of these are:

Ahimsa=Non-harming. 

• When communicating, compassion cultivates a loving and safe environment.

Satya=Truth. 

• Assertive Communication enables you to speak from your heart.

Asteya=Non-stealing.

• Empathy empowers you to give someone time and space to be heard.

What other yama-s and niyama-s can you think of?

Try These Practices to Cultivate Loving-Kindness and Effective Communication:

• Meditate on kindness, compassion and being present with others when communicating. 
• Journal when you notice your triggers so that future communication can take place from a centered, and calm place.

 


Rosenberg, S. (Director). (1967). Cool Hand Luke [Film]. Jalem Productions.
Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom.  Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.